February 3rd 2003

COMING or GOING Home?

November 21, 2002 marked the end of our two-year commitment in Guatemala. Words cannot adequately describe the profound and life-changing impact that this mission has had on our lives. And now begins the arduous task of returning to Canada, and trying to ascertain where we now fit into the picture.

As thoroughly satisfying as our experience was, we were both eagerly anticipating our return home. We looked forward to a much anticipated family Christmas on the beautiful Ottawa River. The setting was perfect..soft falling snow from the first day we arrived..family and friends to meet us at the airport.... a rustic cottage with a cozy fireplace...the fun of decorating ..cutting down our own Christmas tree...making dozens of homemade goodies...a wonderful Christmas Eve celebration ....It could not have been more perfect!

And yet, under all the trappings of our humanly perceived perfection, crept a deep and totally unexplainable emptiness. It was not a sense of guilt or a disatisfaction with the way things were. It was not a desire to be back in Guatemala.

As I look back on the spiritual journey, which ultimately culminated in our decision to go to Guatemala, I recall .....we did not go to Guatemala because we saw ourselves as missionaries...we did not go because it was something we always wanted to do....we did not go because we felt we could make a big difference in these people's lives....we only went for ONE reason....because at the core of our being we knew that this is what God wanted us to do. That made no sense to us at the time..we were in our 50's...we spoke no Spanish..we were not brave or courageous people..and in fact I am ashamed to admit..I wasn't even sure where Guatemala was..

As difficult as I find this to say...God CALLED us to Guatemala.

What was it like to be there? It was hot..it was dirty...it was dangerous...the work hours were long.....at times we experienced much frustration...but underneath the obvious discomfort was an incredible sense of peace and that everything was as it was meant to be.

And now we are HOME.. or are we? Have we moved to a new place of being? What does God want of us now that we have returned? We are open..we are listening..but at this point we are not hearing anything, and that is the frustration we are now dealing with. We seem to be in a kind of Nether land....caught between the human reality and the spiritual possibilities.

At a time when it seems we should be celebrating our accomplishments of the last two years, we seem to be mourning a loss....of what. I am not sure.

In short...we don't know if we are COMING or GOING.... Where is HOME? Is it a place or is it a way of being?... maybe, it is a part of ourselves that is only accessible when we open ourselves to our purpose in this life. We come HOME to ourselves and who we are meant to be. When we loose sight of this, we feel displaced and alien to our surroundings.

And so this is where we are at the moment....we are not yet at HOME. In time, we will know if this is where we are to be. In the meantime we remain open to the possibilities. Please keep us in your prayers.

Richard and Susan Schmaltz
Missioners (September 2000-November 2002)